It seems like whichever job I happen across, any at which I'm unhappy, there appears a wiser presence attempting to motivate me to move away from it. Further, and more importantly, they seem to genuinely want not only to help me calm down and be happier, but to think of myself in a more positive light and to maybe realize that...well, maybe I am worth something.

At Goodwill, it was Felix. Felix shook his head as he watched me tote couches, convinced that I was wasting my time and potential doing menial work. Every opportunity, he would ask me what I was doing there, what I wanted from life, what I planned to do with myself. I never had any definite answers for him; I still really don't, even for myself. But Felix thought of me as a well of potential, as someone who just needed something to focus his energy and creativity on. I can't think of myself like that, but that's only because my self-esteem is an unbelievably damaged ecosystem, needing...well, rejuvenation, something to get it focused and repaired.

Work wasn't even particularly stressful yesterday. I arrived late, however, later than I've ever arrived previously by almost 25 minutes. I called in saying I would be late, nearly hyperventilating, knowing full well in my heart it was completely unnecessary to react so. But everything just didn't work with me yesterday; I became upset at customers for ordering more than one item, my mind calling them unimaginably hideous sobriquets and wishing doom upon their friends and family.
This became apparent to the cashier at one point, in how I was handling myself...snarling, grumbling, clacking my teeth together, shutting cooler doors a little too hard. She noted this during a quieter moment and advised me to calm down, that customers were actually starting to stare (I can't tell what's going on above my eyes with that stupid hat on).

I sighed and muttered, thinking of any and everything that could possibly account for acting like an animal behind a sneezeguard. Broken window, lack of sleep, the job itself is crap, my glasses still need replacing, haven't seen one of my friends other than my roommates since early September, I can't complain too loud because I'm not on the lease...then deeper things began to uncoil. Girls I've hurt, the 4 months living in an ice-cold garage...I felt terrible, and it was directly affecting my work. It was affecting me.

An older gentleman, a retired truck driver named Bob, often talks with the cashiers in his downtime. He figures since he'll be awake, he may as well have some company.
As I was carrying something to the cooler, we wondered at my anxiety. I was moving way too fast, trying to get 11 things done at once, and was on the verge of tears, yattering to myself about no matter what I did, I would be behind and my bosses would be upset with me.

"You're worried that you won't get all your work done in time? You're only one person; do what you can."

"What I can never feels good enough!" I whine. "No matter what I do, someone's going to complain, tell me that I'm wrong, and bitch at me regardless."

"Are you good at what you do?" he asks.

"Uhm...no, I don't know. I don't think so."

"You should just say 'yes.' Nobody ever complains about what you do here."

"Just because people don't complain about me doesn't mean I'm doing well. And I'm trying to make it so the people who work after me don't have the shit to deal with that I do."

"Tell me...do you deal with this shit every day?"

"Uhm...well, in addition to everything else I do, yes."

"What is that telling you?" He answered before I could. "It means they're not affording you the same consideration. They're only thinking about themselves. I think you're harder on yourself than you need to be."

"Well..." I start. "I want to prove I'm better than that."

"I think...and this is just me...that you don't really have anything to prove, at least not to Get-Go. You're just here to do a job, and Mary (my manager at the deli) says you're better and make more effort than anyone else in the deli."

"I..."

"And you know, this is just me, again, here...but it sounds like you ain't got no esteem. And with no esteem, well...you don't think about what Dennis needs. You should think about what you need before you start worrying about everyone else."

"I...don't want anyone to dislike me for what I don't do, for what I don't get done. I know I would feel bad about being left with no resources and..."

"Dennis. I'm not talking about Get-Go anymore. That's all I'm gonna say, guy. Think about what you need."

The conversation went to newspapers, gambling, lazy people who spit, and so on.

What I need...I still have no idea. I've done nothing but think about since he brought it up.

Part of the Zen teachings I have studied have explained an emptying of the personality, subsiding the ego and focusing on things beyond yourself. I've attempted to look beyond myself more than once, simply attempting to float through life, unfettered and making the most of any given situation. The problem with that, I think, is that...well, there's three problems with that.

- I'm too willful and have not learned enough yet to completely sidestep the idea of personal desire. Even though I don't want a lot, I still want. I merely attempt to push it all aside in favor of serving the needs of the time. I'm not wise or patient enough for that yet. I have too much unresolved inside myself to begin to believe I can live like that.

- In attempting to flow through any given situation by having as little to do with it as possible, I've forgotten how to wield influence or assert myself aloud, preferring to be led rather than having any say in anything.

So, as antitype told me, I need help. I need to figure out an awful lot. And I trust I'll have help along the way, so it shouldn't be so bad.

I know I should decide my first step on my own. I just have to assert myself, right? Find out what I need to do.
I wish it was more clearly illustrated, this first step.

...

Look, something!



I swear, it's only because vampires are in Last Order Vol. 8 that I have any interest in them. I generally consider them played out and over-used. As I was telling wespacephantoms, Kishiro manages to revitalize my interest in almost anything.

So, yeah, thanks everyone. Where I go from here is up to me. Going alone is something I could do.

But I'm glad I don't have to.

Tags: development
≤: tired
♫: The KLF ~ "Build a Fire"